'The Last Bus': Diagnosing and Repairing a Narrative Draft
A candidate has planned a 400-450 word narrative titled 'The Last Bus'. The plan is strictly chronological: a student finishes revision at 22:00, runs to the bus stop, misses one bus, waits, catches the last bus, and arrives home. The final line is planned as: 'Then I woke up and it was all a dream.'
The opening paragraph reads:
'It was a dark and stormy night. I was walking to the bus stop and my heart was pounding like a drum. I was absolutely terrified. The wind was howling and the rain was pouring down. I thought to myself, I am so scared right now. Then I saw the bus in the distance and I felt a bit better.'
The candidate has 45 minutes, a clear grasp of spelling and punctuation, and a habit of naming emotions directly instead of showing them.
1. Identify two weaknesses in the plan and opening paragraph, and explain why each weakens the narrative rather than merely labelling it.
Read the worked answer
Weakness 1: the plan is a sequence, not a story
'Finishes revision, runs, misses a bus, waits, catches the last bus, arrives home' is a chain of events joined by 'and then'. Nothing is at stake beyond mild inconvenience, and the character makes no decision that could go either way. Narrative interest comes from a character wanting something, meeting an obstacle, and choosing under pressure. This plan has an obstacle (the missed bus) but no choice and no consequence.
Weakness 2: the emotion is announced rather than shown
'I was absolutely terrified', 'I am so scared right now' and 'my heart was pounding like a drum' tell the reader the label and supply a stock simile. The reader is given no evidence to interpret, so the fear stays a fact on the page rather than a feeling in the reader. 'I felt a bit better' then resolves it instantly, removing any tension the paragraph had begun to build.
Weakness 3: borrowed language
'It was a dark and stormy night' and 'the wind was howling' are phrases the reader has met many times. They signal that the writer has reached for a ready-made atmosphere rather than observed something specific. The opening line is the most valuable sentence in a short composition, and this one spends it on a cliché.
Weakness 4: the planned ending
'Awoke and it was all a dream' cancels the story's stakes and tells the reader that nothing they have invested in mattered. It is not a twist; it is a withdrawal.
How to phrase this in an exam
Name the weakness, quote the exact words, and state the effect on the reader's experience - not simply 'it is a cliché'.
2. Rewrite the opening in about 60 words so that fear is shown through concrete detail rather than named. Keep the setting and avoid the words 'scared', 'terrified', 'afraid' and 'heart'.
Read the worked answer
Model rewrite (57 words)
The timetable behind the scratched plastic was blank. I read it three times. Across the road the chip shop shut its door and the man inside pulled the blind down without looking out. My phone said 22:14. The last bus was 22:15, and the road was empty in both directions.
What the rewrite does instead of naming fear
- Repetition of an action. Reading the timetable three times shows anxiety through behaviour; a calm person reads it once.
- Isolation. The chip shop closing and the blind coming down remove the last witnesses. Fear is often social - being alone with a problem is the evidence.
- Time pressure made numerical. '22:14' and '22:15' create suspense without an adjective. The one-minute gap does the work that 'terrified' was doing badly.
- A negative image as the final beat. 'Empty in both directions' leaves the reader with absence, which is more unsettling than a description of wind.
- Sentence variety. A two-word sentence ('I read it three times.') among longer ones controls pace; the original opened four consecutive sentences with 'I'.
Principle to carry into the exam
Show fear through what the character notices, repeats and avoids. A reader who infers the emotion from evidence feels it; a reader who is told the emotion merely records it.
3. Propose a revised ending, and explain how it would grow from a detail planted earlier in the story.
Read the worked answer
The design problem
The planned 'dream' ending is not grown from anything; it is imposed at the last moment to solve the difficulty of finishing. A strong ending answers the question the opening raised. If the opening raises 'will she get home, and what is waiting there?', the ending must answer both parts.
A planted detail
Early in the story, the narrator notices that the kitchen light is never on when she gets home because her mother works nights. The detail is mentioned casually, once, and not explained.
Revised ending
The bus pulls away and she walks the last stretch with her keys already in her hand. Then she sees it: the front window is lit, and someone has left the porch light on as well. She stands at the gate for a moment before going in, because she knows her mother has swapped a shift to be there.
Why this works
- It returns to the planted detail and changes its meaning, which is what makes an ending feel designed rather than accidental.
- It resolves the tension about arriving home alone without undoing the events of the story.
- It leaves something unspoken - the reason for the swapped shift - so the reader completes the emotion rather than being told it.
- It is short. Endings gain power by stopping slightly earlier than the reader expects.
Alternative acceptable approach
A cyclical structure: return to the blank timetable from the opening paragraph, now with the narrator's own handwriting on it. Any ending that grows from an earlier image will score well; an ending that contradicts or cancels the story will not.