Writing: revising a flat recount for a portfolio
A student writes a 150-word recount for their portfolio about a class visit to a local pā site. The draft begins: 'I te wā i tae atu mātou ki te pā, ka kite mātou i ngā rua. Ka hīkoi mātou. Ka kōrero te kaiako. Ka hoki mātou.' The teacher says the writing is accurate but flat and repetitive. The class has been learning to use 'i te' for background and setting, 'kua' for a state completed before the main events, and 'ka' for the sequence of events. The portfolio audience is the teacher and a visiting whānau group; the register should be neutral and respectful, not slangy and not overly formal. The student has 20 minutes to revise the opening and add two details that make the visit more vivid. They must also check whether to use 'mātou' or 'tātou' when saying 'we went'.
1. Revise the opening three sentences so the setting is clear and the sequence is not a list of 'ka'. Explain your choices.
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A revision could be: 'I te ata o te Rāhoroi, i haere mātou ki te pā. Kua tae kē mai te kaiako i mua i a mātou. Ka tīmata te hīkoi, ka kite mātou i ngā rua.' 'I te ata' sets the background time; 'kua tae kē mai' shows a state completed before the main sequence; 'ka tīmata' and 'ka kite' move the action forward. This avoids the flat chain of 'ka ... ka ... ka'. The student should not replace every 'ka' with 'i te', because 'i te' would make the actions simultaneous or backgrounded rather than sequential. The choices depend on the job each sentence is doing: setting, prior state, or next event.
2. The teacher says the draft is 'flat'. Suggest two changes that would make the recount more engaging without making it informal. Explain why they work.
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Two changes: add a sensory detail, e.g. 'I rongo mātou i te hau o te pā' or 'I kite mātou i te hanga o ngā rua'; and add a short evaluative sentence, e.g. 'He mea whakamīharo tērā ki a mātou.' These make the recount more engaging because they show experience, not just movement. They stay neutral and respectful, so they suit a portfolio for a teacher and visiting whānau. The student should avoid slang such as 'mean' or 'awesome' and avoid overusing 'tino pai', which can sound generic. Varying sentence beginnings - 'I muri i tērā', 'Kātahi ka' - also helps, but only if the sequence remains clear.
3. Should the student write 'I haere mātou ki te pā' or 'I haere tātou ki te pā'? Explain based on who the audience is.
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Use 'mātou' if the reader was not on the visit - for example, the teacher or visiting whānau who did not go. 'I haere mātou ki te pā' means 'we (not you) went'. Use 'tātou' only if the reader was part of the group, e.g. a recount addressed to classmates who also went. In this portfolio, the audience includes the teacher and a visiting whānau group, so 'mātou' is the safer choice. The pronoun is a judgement about inclusion, not a random variant; changing it changes who is inside the 'we'.