Mobile Phone Essay: Thesis, Source Order, and Counterargument
In a 40-minute timed writing task, Grade 12 students must write 250-300 words to the school board arguing whether mobile phones should be banned during lunch. The prompt requires a clear thesis, at least one counterargument, and a practical recommendation. Students have three sources: Source A says phones let students contact parents during emergencies; Source B says phones reduce face-to-face interaction; Source C reports a survey of 120 students, 68% of whom say they use phones mainly for games. Tomas writes this thesis: 'Phones are bad and should be banned because they cause problems.' His first paragraph summarizes all three sources in the order A, B, C. His second paragraph says, 'Some people think phones are useful, but they are wrong.' The essay is already 260 words.
1. Evaluate Tomas's thesis and write a stronger version that fits the prompt.
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The thesis is too vague and circular. 'Bad' and 'cause problems' do not name a specific problem, a criterion, or a scope. The prompt asks whether phones should be banned during lunch, but the thesis says 'should be banned' without saying when. It also assumes the conclusion. A stronger thesis might be: 'Phones should be banned during lunch because they reduce face-to-face interaction and increase playground isolation, but the school should provide a supervised phone area for emergencies.' This states a position, gives reasons, and acknowledges a condition. The revision should match the evidence available: Source B supports the social interaction claim, while Source A complicates a total ban.
2. Advise Tomas on how to revise his first paragraph so that it serves the argument rather than listing sources A, B, and C.
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Summarising A, B, C in order is a report, not an argument. The first paragraph should state the thesis and then use sources as support, not as a list. For example, begin with the thesis, then cite Source B to establish the social problem, and immediately qualify it with Source A: emergencies are real, so the ban should include a supervised phone point. Source C can be used later to explain why lunchtime use is often games rather than urgent contact. The order should be determined by the argument, not by the labels A, B, C. This also helps the writer meet the 250-300 word limit because every source does argumentative work.
3. Evaluate the counterargument sentence and suggest an improvement that meets the prompt's requirements.
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'Some people think phones are useful, but they are wrong' is a straw man. It does not state the opposing reason fairly, and it dismisses it without evidence. A better counterargument names the strongest objection: 'Parents may worry that a ban prevents students from contacting them during an emergency.' Then respond with a practical recommendation: 'The school can keep one supervised phone in the office and allow students to use it with permission.' This meets the prompt's requirement for a counterargument and a recommendation, and it uses Source A rather than ignoring it.