When the Research Is Strong but the Register Is Wrong
In the Written Examination, Maria writes a response to a task asking her to persuade readers of a school magazine to attend a Romanian cultural festival. Her draft is accurate and detailed, with statistics on attendance and a summary of the festival's history, but it reads like a report: passive constructions, no direct address to readers, no rhetorical questions, and a flat conclusion. Her teacher comments that the content is 'excellent but the audience would never finish it'. She has 20 minutes left in the examination.
1. Diagnose the mismatch and explain what the task's wording required that her draft did not deliver.
Read the worked answer
The task specifies purpose (persuade) and audience (school magazine readers, i.e. peers). Maria delivered inform to a generic reader. The register is wrong on three counts: no direct engagement with the reader (second person, inclusive 'we'), no persuasive architecture (a hook, a clear stance, a call to action), and a tone too formal and impersonal for a peer magazine.
Accuracy and detail are necessary but not sufficient; the assessment rewards shaping language to purpose and audience. Her draft would score on content but lose on the criteria concerning register, structure for effect, and engagement of the reader. The key insight is that the same facts can be reorganised and re-voiced in 20 minutes, because the deficit is in framing rather than evidence.
2. Propose concrete revisions she can make in the remaining 20 minutes, prioritising the highest-impact changes.
Read the worked answer
Prioritised revisions:
Add a hook and a stance in the opening two sentences - a vivid image of last year's festival plus a direct invitation, replacing the historical summary as the opening.
Convert report sentences to direct address - e.g. turn 'Attendance has increased' into an invitation such as 'You have probably walked past the posters; here is why this year is worth your Saturday.'
Insert one or two rhetorical questions and one inclusive 'we' at transition points to create momentum.
Add a call to action in the conclusion - a specific, concrete ask (date, place, bring a friend), replacing the flat summary.
Keep the statistics but reposition them as support for the invitation, not as the organising principle.
She should not rewrite from scratch; targeted edits to opening, transitions and closing deliver most of the gain within the time available.