The Museum Trip Paragraph That Won't Hold Together
A student has drafted a paragraph for a school magazine:
(1) Last Thursday our class visited the City Museum. (2) The building is made of red brick. (3) We spent two hours in the Egyptian gallery. (4) The mummies were smaller than I expected. (5) Our teacher had booked the workshop for 11 o'clock. (6) The gift shop sold postcards and pencils. (7) I bought a postcard of the Rosetta Stone. (8) It was the best trip of the year.
The editor says the paragraph has a clear topic but 'loses the thread', and asks for it to be reorganised around one controlling idea: what the class actually did and learned. The student may delete, merge, or move sentences but must keep the paragraph under 60 words.
1. Identify the sentences that break the paragraph's unity and explain what each one does instead of supporting the controlling idea.
Read the worked answer
The controlling idea is what the class did and learned on the museum visit. Three sentences do not serve it.
Sentence (2) - The building is made of red brick. This is static physical description. It could describe any building and tells us nothing about the visit or about learning.
Sentence (6) - The gift shop sold postcards and pencils. This is a general fact about the shop, not about the class. It shifts the topic from the visit to retail stock.
Sentence (7) - I bought a postcard of the Rosetta Stone. This is a personal purchase. It is marginally more relevant than (6) because the Rosetta Stone links to the Egyptian gallery, but as written it is an anecdote about shopping, not about what was seen or learned.
Sentences (1), (3), (4), (5), and (8) do support the idea: they give the occasion, the specific gallery, a genuine observation, the organised activity, and an evaluative close. Sentence (4) is the strongest because it records a real reaction, which is exactly the 'learned' part of the controlling idea.
2. Produce a revised paragraph of under 60 words that keeps the controlling idea, uses a clear chronological or logical order, and closes with the evaluative sentence. Count the words.
Read the worked answer
Revised paragraph.
Last Thursday our class visited the City Museum. After our teacher's 11 o'clock workshop, we spent two hours in the Egyptian gallery, where the mummies were smaller than I expected. I studied the Rosetta Stone closely. It was the best trip of the year.
Word count. Last(1) Thursday(2) our(3) class(4) visited(5) the(6) City(7) Museum(8) After(9) our(10) teacher's(11) 11(12) o'clock(13) workshop(14) we(15) spent(16) two(17) hours(18) in(19) the(20) Egyptian(21) gallery(22) where(23) the(24) mummies(25) were(26) smaller(27) than(28) I(29) expected(30) I(31) studied(32) the(33) Rosetta(34) Stone(35) closely(36) It(37) was(38) the(39) best(40) trip(41) of(42) the(43) year(44). 44 words, comfortably under the limit.
What changed and why. The red-brick sentence and the gift-shop stock sentence are gone. The postcard purchase is converted into an observation (I studied the Rosetta Stone closely), which supports learning rather than shopping. The workshop is moved before the gallery so the order is chronological: arrival, organised activity, free exploration, reflection. The evaluative sentence stays last, where a concluding judgement belongs.