Revising an Ambiguous Use-of-Force Narrative
A trainee submits this paragraph for an incident report: “The officer observed the subject running from the vehicle, and he was later apprehended after a foot pursuit, and the contraband was found in the vehicle, and the subject stated that he ran because he was scared, and the officer then arrested him.” The sergeant marks three clarity problems: unclear pronoun reference, a run-on sentence, and a vague noun. The report must be factual, concise, and readable by a prosecutor who was not present.
1. Identify the three clarity problems in the paragraph with specific examples.
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- Unclear pronoun reference: “he was later apprehended” - “he” could refer to the officer or the subject; the reader must guess. 2. Run-on sentence: the paragraph strings five independent clauses together with “and,” forcing the reader to untangle the sequence of events. 3. Vague noun: “the contraband” does not name the item, so the prosecutor cannot tell whether it was drugs, a weapon, or something else. Each problem forces the reader to infer facts that should be stated directly.
2. Rewrite the paragraph so it is clear and concise.
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Model rewrite: “The officer saw the subject run from the vehicle. After a foot pursuit, the officer apprehended the subject. Inside the vehicle, the officer found [specific item, e.g., a plastic bag containing a white powder]. The subject said he ran because he was scared. The officer then arrested him.” The rewrite replaces ambiguous pronouns with specific nouns, breaks the run-on into separate sentences, and names the contraband. It keeps the chronological order and uses active voice.