Writing: Revising a Supervised-Study Essay
A student has 35 minutes to write a 180–220-word opinion essay for the writing paper. The prompt is: ‘Some schools require students to do 30 minutes of supervised study after lessons. Should your school introduce this? Give reasons and examples from your own knowledge or experience.’ The student’s draft begins: ‘I think this is a bad idea because students are tired. In my opinion, everyone knows that after 8 hours at school nobody can study. My friend Karl says he would just sit there and do nothing. Also, school should trust us. If school makes us stay, we will be angry and not learn anything. On the other hand, some people say it helps students with no quiet place at home. But this is not our problem.’ The student has 12 minutes left and must improve the essay without changing the main position.
1. Identify two weaknesses in the draft and explain how each weakens the response.
Read the worked answer
One weakness is overgeneralisation: 'everyone knows' and 'nobody can study' are absolute claims that are easy to challenge and are not supported by evidence. A second is reliance on an anecdote: 'My friend Karl says...' illustrates one reaction but cannot represent students generally. The dismissive line 'But this is not our problem' also weakens the response because it ignores a serious counterargument about equity. These choices make the essay sound informal and underdeveloped rather than reasoned.
2. Revise one sentence to make it more precise and appropriate, and explain the improvement.
Read the worked answer
Original: 'In my opinion, everyone knows that after 8 hours at school nobody can study.' Revision: 'After a full day of lessons, many students find it difficult to concentrate for another 30 minutes, so supervised study may be less productive than it appears.' The revision removes the absolute 'everyone/nobody', uses a qualified 'many' and 'may', and replaces a vague claim with a cause-effect link. It keeps the same position but is more credible and formal.
3. Outline a stronger plan for the remaining 12 minutes.
Read the worked answer
Keep the position but restructure: (1) Introduction: state the thesis that supervised study is not the best use of time unless it is optional and well designed. (2) Body 1: fatigue and concentration, with a specific example such as a 16:00 lesson after seven hours of classes. (3) Body 2: concede that some students lack a quiet home, then argue for a targeted alternative such as a quiet room rather than compulsion. (4) Conclusion: recommend a trial with volunteers. This uses the counterargument instead of dismissing it and fits the word limit.