Writing: Repairing a Composition That Breaks Three Task Conditions
Writing section: the prompt requires 「あなたの町のよいところを一つと、これからしてみたいことを書きなさい。」 Conditions: 120–150 Japanese characters; です・ます体; use 「～と思います」 exactly once; include one personal experience. A candidate submits a 178-character draft that uses だ・である style, has two 「と思います」, and mentions no experience. The draft begins 「わたしの町は駅の近くに大きな公園がある。…」 The candidate has 8 minutes left. The score is 10: 4 for task fulfilment, 3 for language, 3 for length and style. The candidate wants to keep all content and add one experience sentence. The answer sheet has 150 boxes; writing outside the boxes is not marked. The candidate must decide what to cut, what to change, and whether to add.
1. List the violations in priority order and justify the order using the mark scheme.
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Priority order: (1) length, because the answer sheet has 150 boxes and writing outside them is not marked; 178 characters already fails. (2) style, because the whole draft is だ・である and the prompt requires です・ます. (3) exact use of 「～と思います」, because the draft has two and the condition says once. (4) personal experience, because the draft has none. Length comes first because it is a hard physical limit; style and the と思います count are easy to fix while cutting. Do not add the experience sentence before cutting, or the draft will exceed 150 again.
2. Write a revised version of 120–150 characters that meets all four conditions.
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One acceptable revision (125 characters including punctuation): 「わたしの町のよいところは、駅の近くに大きな公園があることです。公園には大きな木がたくさんあって、夏はとても涼しいです。小学生のとき、そこで友達とよく遊びました。これからは、公園でごみを拾うボランティアをしたいと思います。町をもっときれいにしたいです。」 Check: 125 characters, within 120–150; です・ます体 throughout; 「～と思います」 appears once; one personal experience (小学生のとき…遊びました); both content points, the good point and the future plan, are present.
3. Explain why adding an experience sentence to the 178-character draft is a losing strategy.
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Adding to a 178-character draft is a losing strategy because the mark scheme rewards task fulfilment and length, not volume. The new sentence would push the draft further past 150 boxes, and anything outside the boxes is unmarked. It would also preserve the style error and the double と思います. The efficient move is to cut a lower-value clause, convert the remaining predicates to です・ます, keep one と思います, and use the saved space for the required experience. Content that cannot fit is not worth more than the hard length condition.