The Lunchtime Phone Paragraph
Your English club must write a short opinion paragraph for the school newsletter. The question: 'Should students be allowed to use phones during lunch break?' Write 4 sentences and 45–60 words. Use the notes: (a) phones help students contact parents about pick-up changes; (b) phones can stop face-to-face conversation; (c) a phone box at the office could be used for emergencies. Your teacher says: state your opinion, give one reason, use one example, and offer a compromise. Do not copy the notes as a list. Your first draft is: 'I think phones should not be used at lunch. Phones are bad. Students should talk. But emergencies are important.' The newsletter editor will check that all four sentences do a job; a sentence that only repeats the opinion will be cut.
1. Diagnose the first draft: which required parts are missing or weak? Name each part and explain.
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The draft has four sentences, but they do not do four different jobs.
- Opinion: present ('phones should not be used at lunch'), but it is absolute and does not match the later 'but.'
- Reason: weak. 'Phones are bad' is a judgement, not a reason. It does not say why or how phones cause a problem. The note about stopping face-to-face conversation would give a real reason.
- Example: missing. There is no specific scene, number, or observation.
- Compromise: only a gesture ('emergencies are important'), not a solution. It names a worry but does not say what students should do instead.
The revision needs to replace 'bad' with a cause, add a concrete example, and turn the emergency point into an actionable compromise, such as using the office phone.
2. Write a 4-sentence, 45–60 word revision. Label the job of each sentence in brackets after it (the labels do not count toward the word limit).
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Revision (46 words): 'I think phones should stay off during lunch. [opinion] They can stop students from talking face to face. [reason] For example, last week my friends ate together, but everyone looked at a screen instead of talking. [example] However, students who need to call home could use the office phone. [compromise]'
The paragraph now has one job per sentence. The opinion is clear but not extreme ('stay off during lunch,' not 'ban phones forever'). The reason uses a cause ('stop ... talking'), and the example is small enough to be believable. The compromise answers the emergency note without weakening the rule. The linking words 'For example' and 'However' show the shift from support to concession.
3. Explain why the compromise sentence is better than deleting the emergency note entirely.
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Deleting the emergency note would make the paragraph one-sided, and the teacher explicitly asked for a compromise. The note about pick-up changes is a real need; ignoring it would make the opinion seem impractical to parents and teachers. The compromise sentence does two things: it admits the need ('students who need to call home') and controls it ('could use the office phone'). That is stronger than simply saying 'emergencies are important,' because it gives a procedure. It also keeps the main rule intact: phones stay off during lunch. In an exam, a concession sentence is not a contradiction; it is evidence that the writer has considered the other side and can still support the opinion.