Cutting a 60-Word Festival Paragraph
Mio must write a 60-word paragraph for her English class about a memory from her school festival. The instruction says: 'Describe one clear moment and explain why it mattered to you. Use past tense. Do not list many events.' Mio's draft is 86 words: 'Last year I was in the cooking club. Our school festival was in September. We made okonomiyaki. I was very nervous because many people came. My partner dropped a plate, and everyone laughed. I felt embarrassed, but then a customer said it was delicious. I was happy. After the festival, we cleaned the room. It was a good memory because I learned that mistakes can be okay.' She likes every sentence. She must cut at least 26 words without losing the key moment or the reason it mattered.
1. Which sentences are least essential for the instruction, and which must stay? Propose a cut list and explain the criteria.
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Under the instruction, the paragraph needs one clear moment and why it mattered. The key moment is the dropped plate, the customer's compliment, and Mio's realization. Sentences that can go or shrink: 'Our school festival was in September' (the date is not needed); 'After the festival, we cleaned the room' (a second event that competes with the moment); and part of the setup can be compressed. 'I was in the cooking club' can become 'my cooking club' inside the first sentence. Keep 'I was very nervous,' the dropped plate, the laughter, the customer's comment, and the final lesson. The draft is 86 words; the target is 60, so at least 26 words must go. Cutting the date (7 words) and cleaning (7 words) saves 14; condensing the opening saves about 6; tightening 'I felt embarrassed, but then a customer said it was delicious. I was happy' saves more. The reason must stay because the instruction explicitly asks for it.
2. Revise Mio's paragraph to 60 words or fewer. Show the final version and explain one wording choice that improves coherence.
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Final version (48 words): 'Last year at our school festival, my cooking club made okonomiyaki. I was nervous because many people came. My partner dropped a plate, and everyone laughed. I felt embarrassed, but a customer said it was delicious. I was happy. That moment taught me that mistakes can be okay.' This is under 60 words, so Mio can add a few words if she wants, but the core is complete. One coherence choice: 'That moment taught me' links the plate incident directly to the lesson, so the final sentence does not feel like a separate moral tacked on. 'At our school festival' replaces two sentences and keeps the setting without a date. The sequence nervous → accident → embarrassment → compliment → lesson gives a clear emotional arc.