Revising a 41-Word Composition to Meet a Rubric
A Nara public high school's English composition task asks students to write 30-40 words on: 'What would you like to do in high school? Give one reason.' The rubric has three rows: content (one clear goal and one specific reason), organization (a topic sentence, one supporting sentence, and a closing sentence), and length (30-40 words). Rina's draft is 41 words: 'I want to join the English club. I like English. I want to speak English more. I also want to make friends. I think high school is a good chance. So I want to join the English club.' Her teacher says the draft repeats the goal, gives no specific reason, and has no clear closing sentence, although every sentence is grammatical. Rina has 10 minutes to revise. She wants to keep 'English club' and 'make friends' but does not know what to cut. The exam will not accept notes or a rough draft, so her final version must be one clean paragraph. She may not use a dictionary.
1. Diagnose the draft against all three rubric rows. Quote or count specific words to support your diagnosis.
Read the worked answer
- Content: the goal is clear but repeated. 'I want to join the English club' appears in sentence 1, and 'So I want to join the English club' appears again at the end. The reasons are vague: 'I like English,' 'I want to speak English more,' and 'I also want to make friends.' None of these is a specific reason connected to the club.
- Organization: the draft is a list of short sentences. It has a topic sentence, but there is no supporting sentence that develops one reason, and no clear closing sentence. 'I think high school is a good chance' is general filler, not a closing.
- Length: the draft is 41 words, which is one word over the 30-40 word limit. The repetition is using up words that could carry the reason.
- Grammar is not the problem. Every sentence is grammatical, so Rina should not spend her 10 minutes fixing grammar. She needs to cut repetition and add one specific supporting detail.
2. Revise the draft into 30-40 words that meets the rubric. Keep the English club and friendship idea, and explain what you cut and why.
Read the worked answer
- A revised version is: 'I want to join the English club in high school. I want to make friends there by speaking English with exchange students. I will practice speaking English every day before class.'
- This is 31 words: it stays inside the 30-40 word limit.
- Content: the goal is the English club, and the reason is specific: making friends by speaking English with exchange students. The friendship idea is kept, but it is now tied to the club.
- Organization: sentence 1 is the topic sentence, sentence 2 supports it with the reason, and sentence 3 is a closing sentence about a concrete action.
- What was cut: the repeated goal at the end, 'I like English,' 'I want to speak English more' as a separate sentence, and 'I think high school is a good chance.' These were either repetitive or too general. The cut words made room for the specific detail 'exchange students' and the closing action 'practice speaking English every day before class.'