Moderating a formal letter with a register problem
Tomas, a Grade 11 learner, writes a 180-word Oshindonga letter to the principal asking permission to hold a cultural day on 26 September. The rubric allots Format 5, Content 8 and Language 7. Tomas includes two reasons, a proposed programme and a request for a response by 20 September. He omits the sender's address and the date, opens with 'Mukwetu' and closes with 'Wa lalapo'. Teacher A awards 14/20, saying the message is clear and respectful. Teacher B awards 9/20, saying the register is too informal and the format is incomplete. The head of department must moderate the mark before reports are printed. The school has 64 Grade 11 learners, and the principal has already agreed in principle to the event. You are asked to decide the mark and give feedback that is specific enough for Tomas to revise the letter.
1. Decide the mark out of 20 and justify the split across Format, Content and Language.
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A defensible mark is 14/20: Format 2/5, Content 7/8, Language 5/7.
Format 2/5: the receiver is named and there is a salutation and closing, but the sender's address and date are missing, and Mukwetu and Wa lalapo are not formal-letter conventions. Content 7/8: two reasons, a programme and a reply-by date are present; one detail is vague, so not full marks. Language 5/7: meaning is clear, but the register is inconsistent and there are sentence-level lapses.
Teacher B's 9/20 undercredits the content; Teacher A's 14/20 is close but must be recorded with the format and register reasons, not with 'clear and respectful'. Disagreement about the event's approval is irrelevant to the writing mark.
2. Rewrite the opening and closing so they fit a formal request to a principal.
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Opening: Omukuluntu gwOshikola, onda hala okukala ndi ku indile ondjo yoikwameni opo tu ninge esiku lyomithigululwakalo mo 26 September. Closing: Ohandi ku indile okukala u na ombili nokutuma eyamukulo lyoye manga inaashi thika ko 20 September. Aandja onditungilo.
The exact forms should be checked against the prescribed letter-writing model, but the principle is clear: replace Mukwetu with a title and replace Wa lalapo with a formal leave-taking. The request, date and reply-by date must remain explicit. Rewriting only the salutation would not fix the register; the whole opening sentence must sound like a request to an office-holder, not a note to a friend.
3. Give Tomas three feedback points that would move the letter into the 16–18 band.
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- Complete the frame: add the sender's address and the date above the receiver's address; use a formal salutation and a formal closing. This alone addresses most of the Format loss.
- Control register throughout: replace Mukwetu and Wa lalapo, and check every verb that addresses the principal. Keep the respectful tone but remove conversational items.
- Sharpen one content paragraph: state exactly what the cultural day will involve, who will attend and what the principal must approve. The reply-by date is already good; link it to the programme so the reader sees why 20 September matters.