Cutting a Complaint Letter Without Losing the Complaint
Bikash, a Grade 12 student, is writing a formal letter of complaint to a private hospital after his mother's treatment. The bill was NPR 18,400, but the family expected NPR 12,900. He believes a dressing charge of NPR 1,500 was entered twice, and reception staff told him to 'come tomorrow' on three separate visits. The task specifies 120–150 words and a formal register. His draft is 214 words. It opens: 'I am writing to express my extreme anger and frustration at your cheating behaviour.' It includes a paragraph describing his mother's pain, a paragraph accusing 'you people' of being 'cheaters,' and the request 'Please do the needful.' His teacher says the letter must be shortened, must not insult the reader, and must make a specific request that the hospital can act on. Bikash worries that removing the emotional language will make the complaint seem less serious.
1. Rewrite the opening two sentences so that the letter states its purpose and the key facts without emotive accusation. Explain what you changed and why it still sounds serious.
Read the worked answer
Model opening
'I am writing to dispute the bill dated 14 March for my mother's treatment, which totals NPR 18,400. The amount exceeds our expected charge of NPR 12,900, and I believe a dressing fee of NPR 1,500 has been charged twice.'
What changed and why
- Removed 'extreme anger and frustration' and 'cheating behaviour.' These describe Bikash's feelings and label the hospital's intent. A formal complaint should state facts and a requested remedy, not assign motives.
- Added the date, total, expected amount, and disputed item. Seriousness now comes from specificity, not volume.
- Kept the first person and the complaint frame: 'I am writing to dispute.' This is firm and formal.
Why it still sounds serious
Seriousness in a formal letter comes from precision and a clear demand, not from insults. 'I believe a dressing fee has been charged twice' is more damaging to the hospital's position than 'you are cheaters,' because it can be checked against the bill. The reader can act on a named charge; they cannot act on an insult.
2. Bikash must cut about 70 words. Which paragraph should he remove or condense, and which detail must he keep? Justify using purpose and audience.
Read the worked answer
Cut or condense the paragraph on his mother's pain.
Reasoning
- The letter's purpose is to correct a billing error and obtain a refund or review. The mother's suffering explains why the family is upset, but it does not help the hospital verify the charge.
- The audience is a hospital administrator who processes many complaints. Such a reader needs dates, amounts, item names, and a requested action. A long description of pain may be read as an appeal to sympathy rather than a billing dispute.
- Condense it to one clause if it must stay: 'My mother was in considerable pain during the treatment, which makes this unexpected charge more distressing.' That keeps the human context without spending 40 words on it.
Detail that must stay
The duplicate dressing charge of NPR 1,500 must stay. It is the specific error the hospital can investigate. Also keep the bill total and the expected amount, because they define the size of the dispute.
Principle
When cutting for a word limit, remove background emotion before removing actionable facts. The audience can act on a charge; it cannot act on distress.
3. Explain why 'Please do the needful' is a weak request in this letter, and replace it with a specific request that fits the 120–150 word limit.
Read the worked answer
Why 'do the needful' is weak
- It is vague. It does not tell the hospital whether Bikash wants a refund, a corrected bill, a written explanation, or all three.
- It shifts the work of deciding the remedy to the reader, which is risky in a complaint: the hospital may choose the smallest possible response.
- It is a formula, not a request. In formal writing, a request should name the action and, where possible, a deadline.
Replacement
'Please review the enclosed bill, correct the duplicate dressing charge of NPR 1,500, and send me a revised statement within seven working days.'
Why this works
- 'Review the enclosed bill' tells the reader what to examine.
- 'Correct the duplicate dressing charge' names the specific error.
- 'Send me a revised statement' names the document Bikash needs.
- 'Within seven working days' creates a reasonable time frame without sounding threatening.
Word-limit note
This sentence is roughly 28 words. Replacing 'Please do the needful' with it costs about 24 extra words, so Bikash should cut the mother's-pain paragraph or shorten the accusation paragraph to stay within 150 words.