Two Drafts, One Editor: Choosing What to Fix First
Four SEE candidates in Pokhara meet twice a week to swap practice answers, and this week they are comparing drafts of the same task: a letter to the editor of a national daily about the spread of thin plastic bags in their town. The question asks for a formal letter and sets no word limit. Ramesh's draft is 95 words. It opens 'Dear friend', says 'plastic is very bad, very bad' twice, puts three exclamation marks in one sentence, gives no example, place or figure, and closes 'Yours affectionately, Ramesh'. Sita's draft is 160 words: it opens 'The Editor, The Kathmandu Post', names one locality and one quantity, offers one practical suggestion, and closes 'Yours faithfully, Sita'. Bimal insists Ramesh's letter is 'shorter, so it is safer' and that the examiner only counts grammar mistakes. The teacher collects the drafts in one hour, so the group has to decide which weaknesses matter most and which one to repair first.
1. Identify the three features of Ramesh's draft that would cost the most marks, and explain why each one matters in a letter to an editor.
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- The opening and the closing. 'Dear friend' and 'Yours affectionately' address a private acquaintance. The task names a newspaper editor, a stranger in an official role, so the register has to be formal: 'The Editor' / 'Dear Sir or Madam' and 'Yours faithfully'. Format is marked separately from language, which makes this the cheapest loss to avoid.
- The unsupported repetition. 'Very bad, very bad' is one opinion stated twice. A letter to an editor is persuasive writing: it earns credit for a clear position supported by a place, a quantity or an example. Repetition adds length and no content, and examiners are trained to notice padding.
- The punctuation and tone. Three exclamation marks in one sentence read as shouting and push the letter towards the informal. A calm full stop after a well-supported claim is stronger, not weaker. Grammar is not the biggest problem here, contrary to Bimal's view; the letter fails the task before a single tense is checked.
2. Rewrite Ramesh's first sentence and his closing so that they fit the task, and state what you changed and why.
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Rewritten opening: 'I am writing to draw the attention of the concerned authorities to the growing use of thin plastic bags in Lakeside, Pokhara, where shopkeepers hand out roughly two hundred bags a day.'
Rewritten closing: 'I would be grateful if the municipality could enforce the existing ban on plastic bags below 40 microns. Yours faithfully, Ramesh Gurung.'
What changed and why:
- 'Dear friend' became an address to the Editor, because the reader is an official stranger.
- The vague judgement became a specific place plus a rough quantity, so the claim can be checked and the letter reads as evidence rather than complaint.
- The exclamations and the doubled adjective were dropped; the sentence now carries information instead of volume.
- 'Yours affectionately' became 'Yours faithfully', which is the standard closing when the reader is not known by name.
- A concrete request replaced the general scolding, because an editor's page wants a remedy as well as a grievance.
3. Bimal says a shorter letter is safer. Respond to him using evidence from the two drafts.
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Length is not what is being marked; fitness for the task is. Sita's letter is 65 words longer yet would almost certainly score higher, because every extra sentence does work: it names a place, gives a quantity, proposes one action and keeps the formal frame intact. Ramesh's letter is short but three of its short parts - salutation, opinion and closing - all miss the target, so its brevity buys nothing.
Bimal is half right about one thing: a 400-word letter written in a hurry invites errors and can drift off the topic, so there is a real risk in padding. That risk comes from uncontrolled length, not from length itself. The workable rule for the exam is roughly one clear position, one or two supports, one suggestion, and a correct opening and closing - written in as few words as that takes. Here that is nearer 120 words than 95.