Cutting the Off-Topic Sentence in an Attendance Argument
A student’s draft introduction for a school newsletter argues that the new later start time improved attendance. The draft reads: “Since the school moved first bell to 8:45, tardies dropped 18 percent. Students say they sleep longer. The cafeteria also added a second salad bar this fall. Early buses now arrive with fewer disciplinary referrals.” The advisor says one sentence weakens the paragraph’s focus, and another merely repeats the claim without evidence. The student can cut one sentence and revise one.
1. Identify the sentence that should be cut and the sentence that most needs evidence. Justify both with reference to the paragraph’s main idea.
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The main idea is that a later start time improved attendance. The cafeteria sentence is off-topic: a salad bar has no logical connection to start time or attendance, so it should be cut. The sentence that most needs evidence is “Students say they sleep longer.” It supports a plausible mechanism-more sleep-but it is anecdotal and vague. The 18 percent tardy figure is already evidence for attendance; the sleep claim needs a concrete measure (e.g., a survey percentage or average minutes gained) to do real supporting work. The bus/discipline sentence is relevant only if discipline referrals are framed as an attendance-related outcome; otherwise it is a weak third support. In a short newsletter paragraph, cut the salad bar and quantify the sleep claim.
2. Revise the paragraph so every sentence supports the main idea. Keep the 18 percent figure and add one concrete, plausible detail to support the sleep claim.
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Revised: “Since the school moved first bell to 8:45, tardies dropped 18 percent. In a fall survey, 62 percent of students reported sleeping at least 30 minutes longer on school nights. Early buses also arrive with fewer disciplinary referrals, which suggests calmer mornings.” The salad bar sentence is gone because it does not support attendance. The sleep claim now has a specific survey figure, making it evidence rather than repetition. The bus sentence is retained but explicitly linked to the main idea through “calmer mornings.” The paragraph now moves from outcome (tardies) to mechanism (sleep) to a related morning indicator (discipline), all serving the same claim.