Rewriting a translated notice for a school audience
Your school's Indonesian club must post an announcement in Indonesian on the noticeboard and in the club's WhatsApp group. The content: a beach clean-up at Pantai Depok on Saturday 14 June, 7–11 a.m.; meet at the school gate at 6:30; bring gloves, a hat, and a water bottle; lunch provided; sign up with the secretary Bu Ratna by Wednesday 11 June; cancelled if it rains heavily.
The draft, translated word-for-word from English by a committee member, reads:
'Pengumuman: Kami akan melakukan pembersihan pantai. Ini akan menjadi pada hari Sabtu 14 Juni dari jam 7 sampai 11. Silakan berkumpul di gerbang sekolah pada 6:30. Anda harus membawa sarung tangan, topi, dan botol air. Makan siang akan disediakan. Silakan mendaftar dengan sekretaris Bu Ratna sebelum hari Rabu 11 Juni. Jika hujan deras, acara akan dibatalkan.'
Your teacher says it is 'grammatically mostly right but does not sound like an Indonesian announcement'.
1. Diagnose the problems in the draft and rewrite it as an effective Indonesian announcement.
Read the worked answer
Diagnosis - the draft is English syntax in Indonesian clothing:
- 'Ini akan menjadi pada hari Sabtu' - literal rendering of 'it will be on Saturday'. Indonesian uses a time phrase directly: Acara ini akan dilaksanakan pada… or simply Hari/tanggal: Sabtu, 14 Juni.
- 'dari jam 7 sampai 11' - acceptable but stiff; pukul 07.00–11.00 is the announcement convention.
- 'Anda harus membawa' - Anda is too distant for a school club, and harus sounds like an order. Use Peserta diharapkan membawa or Jangan lupa membawa.
- 'Silakan mendaftar dengan sekretaris' - mendaftar dengan is a calque of 'register with'. Use mendaftar kepada or menghubungi.
- 'sebelum hari Rabu 11 Juni' - hari Rabu is redundant with a date; write paling lambat Rabu, 11 Juni.
- Missing announcement scaffolding: no header block (hari/tanggal, waktu, tempat, kontak), no closing contact line.
Rewrite: 'PENGUMUMAN - BERSIH PANTAI DEPOK Hari/tanggal: Sabtu, 14 Juni. Waktu: pukul 07.00–11.00. Titik kumpul: gerbang sekolah, pukul 06.30. Peserta diharapkan membawa sarung tangan, topi, dan botol minum sendiri. Makan siang disediakan panitia. Pendaftaran paling lambat Rabu, 11 Juni, kepada Bu Ratna (sekretaris). Catatan: kegiatan dibatalkan apabila hujan deras.'
Why this works: information is front-loaded in labelled slots, verbs are impersonal, obligations are phrased as expectations, and the cancellation clause is isolated so nobody misses it.
2. The WhatsApp version must differ from the noticeboard version. Explain what you would change and why, giving Indonesian examples.
Read the worked answer
WhatsApp is read on a phone, scrolled past quickly, and expects a human voice; a noticeboard is read standing still and expects an official voice.
Changes:
- Shorter lines, no header block. Break into 4–5 short lines rather than labelled fields.
- Warmer opening and emoji-level informality (sparingly): Halo teman-teman! instead of PENGUMUMAN.
- Imperatives become invitations: Yuk, ikut bersih pantai! rather than Peserta diharapkan.
- Key logistics bolded or on their own line so they survive skimming.
- Deadline repeated at the end, since the last line is what people act on.
- Tag the contact: Daftar ke Bu Ratna ya, paling lambat Rabu 11 Juni.
- Keep the cancellation note but soften it: Kalau hujan deras, kita jadwal ulang ya.
Example message: 'Halo teman-teman! 🌊 Bersih Pantai Depok - Sabtu 14 Juni, 07.00–11.00. Kumpul di gerbang sekolah jam 06.30 ya. Bawa sarung tangan, topi, dan botol minum. Makan siang gratis! Daftar ke Bu Ratna paling lambat Rabu 11 Juni. Kalau hujan deras, kita jadwal ulang. Sampai ketemu!'
The exam point: register is chosen per channel, not per topic. Same facts, different relationship with the reader.