Part 1 essay: too many content points, no own idea
Diego has 80 minutes for the Writing paper and is doing Part 1 first. The task asks for an essay for his teacher on one way to reduce traffic in his town, with notes: (1) cheaper public transport, (2) more cycle lanes, (3) your own idea. He has strong vocabulary for environmental topics and remembers two statistics from a local news article. He spends ten minutes planning, then 22 minutes writing 210 words that use all three notes but no idea of his own. The essay ends: 'In conclusion, traffic is a big problem.' He now has 48 minutes left and is deciding whether to rewrite the essay completely or move straight to Part 2.
1. Which features of Diego's essay will cost him marks, and why? Be specific about what the task rewards.
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Two structural problems, one of them serious.
- The own-idea requirement is missing (serious). The rubric gives three notes and asks candidates to use two of them plus an idea of their own. Writing all three notes is not 'more is better' - it consumes the space where the third, self-generated content point should sit. Content is assessed against what the task invited, so a missing content point reads as an incomplete response, not a rich one.
- Length and development (moderate). At 210 words there is no hard fail, but the band descriptors reward relevant points that are developed. Four points in 210 words means roughly 50 words each: a list, not an argument. The closing line - In conclusion, traffic is a big problem - restates the topic instead of answering the question, so the essay ends without a position.
The vocabulary and statistics are wasted: good language attached to undeveloped points cannot lift the content band.
2. He has 48 minutes left. Rewrite from scratch, or move on? Propose a plan with minutes.
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Neither: a surgical revision, then Part 2.
Part 1 and Part 2 carry equal weight in the Writing paper. Spending 40 minutes on Part 1 caps the whole paper at whatever one task can earn.
Plan (~13 min revision, 25 min Part 2, 10 min checking).
- Cut, don't add. Delete the weakest of the three notes. Adding a fourth paragraph to insert an own idea pushes the essay further over length and makes the list worse.
- Keep the two best-supported points - cheaper public transport, with his two statistics, and cycle lanes.
- Insert the own idea as a short third body point (e.g. staggered school and office start times), one claim plus one consequence. One developed sentence beats a bare bullet.
- Replace the conclusion with a recommendation that names the two chosen measures, so the essay answers the question.
- Keep the existing language - it is the expensive part, and it is already on the page. A rewrite also risks a worse second draft under time pressure.
Rule of thumb: revise the hole, not the whole.
3. Would you keep the sentence 'In conclusion, traffic is a big problem'? Explain your reasoning.
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No - but not because of the linker.
In conclusion is perfectly acceptable in an essay addressed to a teacher; formality is not the issue. The problem is that the sentence is empty: it summarises the topic, not the argument, and it tells the target reader nothing they could not have guessed from the title.
A conclusion at this level should do one of two jobs: state a recommendation ('Of the two, cheaper buses would cut more journeys, because…') or weigh the options ('Cycle lanes change behaviour slowly; fares change it next Monday.').
Test to apply under exam pressure: delete the sentence - has the reader lost an argument or just a restatement? If the essay survives unchanged, the sentence was decoration and the minutes went nowhere.