Repairing a Badly Drafted Branch Notice
A newly promoted Branch Manager at a semi-urban branch has drafted the following notice asking customers to update KYC, and has sent it to the Regional Office for approval. The text reads: 'Dear Customer, We are please to inform that our branch will remained closed on 15th March due to annual audit. All the customers are requested to kindly do the needful and complete there KYC updation before 14th March, otherwise account may be freezed. For any query, you can revert back to the undersigned. Regards, Branch Manager.' The Regional Office wants the same notice also sent as a 160-character SMS alert to 14,000 customers and displayed on the branch board. The compliance officer has flagged that the notice must clearly state the consequence of non-compliance without sounding threatening, and must tell the customer whom to contact. The branch will be shut for one day only, and KYC can be completed on any working day including Saturdays from 10 am to 2 pm.
1. Identify at least six errors or weaknesses in the draft, state the correction for each, and name the type of error.
Read the worked answer
| Draft wording | Correction | Type of problem |
|---|---|---|
| We are please to inform | We are pleased to inform | Wrong word form - adjective 'pleased' needed, not 'please' |
| will remained closed | will remain closed | Tense - modal 'will' takes the base verb |
| All the customers are requested to kindly do the needful | Please complete ... | Vague Indian-English cliché; tells the customer nothing about the action required |
| complete there KYC updation | complete their KYC update | Homophone error (there/their) plus non-standard noun 'updation' |
| account may be freezed | the account may be frozen | Irregular past participle; 'freezed' does not exist |
| revert back to the undersigned | write to the Branch Manager | Redundancy ('revert back') and misuse of 'revert' (to return); 'the undersigned' is impersonal and gives no contact point |
| Kindly ... otherwise | structural | The sentence mixes a polite request with an unexplained sanction; the consequence must be stated plainly, once |
Sub-total: six clear language errors plus two drafting weaknesses. Note that '15th March' should ideally be written '15 March' for consistency with modern house style, but that is a style choice, not an error.
2. Rewrite the notice in not more than 60 words so that it keeps every fact, sounds firm but not threatening, and tells the customer what to do. Then justify two of your structural choices.
Read the worked answer
Rewrite (54 words): 'Dear Customer, our branch will remain closed on 15 March for the annual audit. Please complete your KYC update by 14 March to avoid a freeze on your account. You may visit any working day, including Saturday, 10 am to 2 pm. For help, contact the Branch Manager.'
Justification.
- Consequence stated as a fact, not a threat. 'To avoid a freeze on your account' explains the sanction once and in the customer's own interest; the original 'otherwise account may be freezed' reads as a warning and is grammatically broken. Regulators consistently expect the customer to be informed, not intimidated.
- Service window and contact point pulled forward. The original gives no hours and no named contact, which guarantees a queue of complaints on 15 March. Stating 'including Saturday, 10 am to 2 pm' and naming the Branch Manager converts a vague instruction into a doable action.
- One action per sentence. 'Kindly do the needful and complete...' piles two instructions into one clause; splitting them keeps each sentence readable at a branch board.
Every fact from the original survives: closure date, reason, KYC deadline, consequence, contact.
3. The same message must go out as a 160-character SMS. Draft it and explain what you dropped and why, and comment on whether the branch board should carry the full version.
Read the worked answer
SMS draft (152 characters): 'Branch closed 15 Mar for annual audit. Please update KYC by 14 Mar to avoid account freeze. Visit Mon-Sat, 10am-2pm. Help: Branch Manager.'
What was dropped and why. The salutation, the reason phrased as a courtesy ('We are pleased to inform'), and the closing formula are all dispensable in a 160-character channel - they cost roughly 40 characters and carry no decision-relevant information. The audit reason is retained in compressed form ('for annual audit') because a closure without a stated reason generates calls. The deadline, the consequence and the service window are retained because they are the only elements the customer must act on. The contact point is kept but reduced to a role, not a phone number, since a wrong number in a mass SMS is worse than none.
Channel logic. Register must follow the channel: SMS is imperative and telegraphic by design, so dropping courtesies is correct, not rude. The branch board, by contrast, is read at leisure by walk-in customers including first-generation account holders, so it should carry the full 54-word version with the service hours spelled out. Sending the SMS text verbatim to the board would be under-informative; pasting the full notice into 160 characters is impossible. One message, three renderings, one set of facts.