Clearing a personal-loan SMS and subject line before a 42,000-customer send
A branch has drafted a promotional message for a personal loan and asked you, as marketing officer, to clear it before the bulk-SMS vendor sends it to 42,000 customers on Friday. The draft SMS reads: "Congratulations! Your personal loan of Rs 5 lakh is pre-approved. Guaranteed approval, lowest interest rate in India, zero paperwork. Apply in 24 hours or the offer lapses. Call 98xxxxxx." The email version's proposed subject line is: "Your loan is approved - claim now." The branch manager prefers that subject line because "it gets opened". Compliance has marked the file "pending" and wants your written clearance with reasons. A colleague has proposed an alternative subject line: "A personal loan option for you: check eligibility, rate and fees". The SMS vendor charges per 160-character block, and the branch can afford exactly one block per customer.
1. Identify the defects that must be fixed before the SMS can be cleared, and explain why each one matters rather than merely naming it.
Read the worked answer
Four defects block clearance.
- "Pre-approved" and "guaranteed approval": no eligibility assessment, bureau check or income verification has been done for these 42,000 recipients. Telling them approval is assured is a false statement of fact, and any customer who is later declined has a legitimate grievance and a documented trail of the bank's own words.
- "Lowest interest rate in India": an unsubstantiated superlative. The bank cannot evidence a market-wide comparison, and the claim ignores that the rate is risk-based and customer-specific.
- No rate, fee or cost indication and no lender identity: a borrowing solicitation that quotes an amount but no price is misleading by omission. A rate range, the fact that fees apply, and the bank's name are the minimum.
- "Apply in 24 hours or the offer lapses": fabricated urgency, and there is no offer to lapse. It also pressures customers into applying without reading terms.
An opt-out line is also missing, which is a consent issue on a bulk send.
2. The manager prefers "Your loan is approved - claim now". Which subject line should be used, and how do you answer the open-rate argument?
Read the worked answer
Use the colleague's line: "A personal loan option for you: check eligibility, rate and fees".
The manager is right that the first line will be opened more, but he is measuring the wrong thing. It converts a false premise into opens, so the resulting applications are from customers who believe they are already approved; most will fail eligibility, and each one becomes a service complaint and a conduct risk. It also contradicts the body once the body is corrected, which damages trust in later campaigns.
The alternative still names the product and the benefit (a loan option), and it pre-qualifies the reader: people who want a loan will open it to see the rate. A slightly lower open rate with a higher share of eligible, informed applicants is the better trade. Frame it to the manager in those terms - cost per disbursed loan, not opens - and note that the corrected subject line also matches what the SMS and landing page will say.
3. Rewrite the SMS so it can be sent in one 160-character block, keeping the product, a compliant approval statement, price indication, contact and opt-out.
Read the worked answer
Model text (about 135 characters, so it fits one block):
"Personal loan up to Rs 5 lakh from [Bank]. Approval subject to eligibility and documents. Rate 11.25%-15.50% p.a. Call 98xxxxxx. To opt out, reply STOP."
Why it is built this way: the amount is retained because it is the hook; "subject to eligibility and documents" replaces the guarantee and is a statement the bank can defend; the rate is given as a range because pricing is risk-based, and the actual range must be taken from the current card rate rather than copied; the phone number gives a route to the full terms; the opt-out satisfies consent.
Before sending, verify the character count on the vendor's tool (spaces and punctuation count), confirm the rate range is current, and have compliance sign the final string. If the rate range pushes it past 160 characters, shorten the product phrase, not the disclosures.