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At a school debate, a Grade 12 student has drafted the opening paragraph below. The teacher says the ideas are strong but the grammar and cohesion need repair before the speech is recorded. The student has 20 minutes and may change punctuation and connectors, but must keep the claim and the evidence. Draft: 'Although mobile phones help students search for information, but they distract them during lessons. If schools will ban phones completely, students can lose useful learning tools. A survey of 120 students, which conducted last month, shows that 68% use phones for revision. Therefore, phones should be allowed only during breaks, and teachers should monitor their use. In conclusion, the problem is not the phone, it is the way we use it.' The teacher wants the student to explain each correction, not just rewrite. She also asks whether the final sentence is an effective conclusion for a persuasive speech, and why. The recording must be 90 seconds, so concision matters.
1. Identify and correct the three grammatical errors in the draft: the double conjunction, the conditional tense, and the passive relative clause. For each, explain the rule in one sentence.
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Double conjunction: 'Although mobile phones help students search for information, but they distract them during lessons.' English needs one contrast connector, not both. Remove 'but': 'Although mobile phones help students search for information, they distract them during lessons.' The clause after 'although' already signals concession.
Conditional tense: 'If schools will ban phones completely...' In a first conditional, the if-clause uses the present simple, not 'will': 'If schools ban phones completely, students can lose useful learning tools.' The result clause may use 'can' or 'will'.
Passive relative clause: 'A survey of 120 students, which conducted last month...' The survey did not conduct; it was conducted. Use a passive relative clause: 'A survey of 120 students, which was conducted last month, shows...' Alternatively, reduce it to 'conducted last month', but the full passive is clearer for the student's explanation.
2. The final sentence is 'In conclusion, the problem is not the phone, it is the way we use it.' Evaluate its effectiveness as a conclusion for a 90-second persuasive speech. Suggest one revision that improves concision or rhetorical force.
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The sentence has a memorable contrast and restates the central claim, so it is effective in substance. However, 'In conclusion' is formulaic and wastes seconds in a 90-second speech. The sentence also contains a comma splice: two independent clauses joined only by a comma. A semicolon or dash would be grammatically safer.
A more concise revision is: 'The real issue is not the phone but how we use it.' This keeps the antithesis, removes the formulaic phrase, and uses a parallel structure ('not the phone but how...') that is easier to deliver. It is also grammatically complete. For a persuasive close, the student could add a short call to action, for example: 'So let us teach responsible use, not impose a blanket ban.' That would make the conclusion more actionable without adding much length.
3. The evidence says 68% of 120 students use phones for revision. Does this support the claim 'phones should be allowed only during breaks'? Explain what additional evidence the student needs.
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Not directly. The statistic shows that a majority use phones for revision, but it does not show when they use them, whether the use is effective, or whether phones distract during lessons. The claim is about restricting phones to breaks, so the student needs evidence comparing lesson-time use with break-time use. Useful additional evidence would include: the percentage of students who use phones during lessons for non-learning purposes; teacher observations of distraction; a comparison of test results or attention in classes with and without phone access; and whether revision use happens mainly outside school hours.
Without that, the 68% figure can support the idea that phones have learning value, but it cannot by itself justify a break-only policy. A strong answer should distinguish 'phones are useful for revision' from 'phones should be banned during lessons'.